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Uncle Leo

We are less than a year from the end of the centennial of World War I, the war to end all wars that ironically in many ways still continues to this day. My great uncle, Leo, was in the National Guard in Chase City serving as a medic when his unit was called. They were first sent to Camp McClellan in Anniston, Alabama for training. One day, his horse caught a hoof in the tracks at a railway crossing. Leo tried to free his horse and in the process, the horse fell on him crushing Leo’s kidneys. He lingered for three painful days with my great grandparents getting updates via telegram. He died April 28, 1918. My great grandmother was devastated. The soldiers who went to Europe and lived to return received a great welcome home. One of the soldiers from Mecklenburg County received particular acclaim. For his actions in capturing guns and twenty-two of the enemy on October 8 during the Meuse-Argonne Offensive, Sergeant Earl Davis Gregory received the Medal of Honor. He was the war’s only Virginia recipient.

 

Not everyone got a welcome home, or even a loving send off. In “Water Tossing Boulders,” Adrienne Berard writes about how in Mississippi, black men had a choice of work on plantations, be arrested (and work on plantations) or be drafted into the Army. Nate Shaw, a black sharecropper, recalled that whites would meet the returning veterans “at these stations where they was gettin off, comin back to the United States, and cut the buttons and armaments off of their clothes, make em get out of them clothes, make em pull them uniforms off and if they didn’t have another suit of clothes – quite naturally, if they was colored men they was poor and they might not a had a thread of clothes in the world but them uniforms – make em walk in their underwear.”

Berard further writes: “In the spring of 1919, a band of white men in Blakely, Georgia, confronted a black soldier named Wilbur Little as he returned home from his tour of duty in World War I. When they ordered him to take off his uniform, he refused, A few days later, a mob attacked Little at a celebration for his achievements during the war. He was found beaten to death on the outskirts of town, still wearing his uniform. In the Mississippi Delta, a black coast guardsman returning on leave to visit his grandmother in Greenwood was stopped in Tchula and arrested for ‘trespassing without money.’ When it was discovered that he did, in fact, have money, the charge was changed to vagrancy. He was sentenced to thirty days of hard labor at a cotton plantation. Thirty-six days later, he was released, haven been beaten on several occasions with a ‘seven pound strap,’ once for writing a letter to his commanding officer.” These men were treated far better in France than in the country of their birth.

Not only do the repercussions of that war linger on in this world, but the struggle for equal justice and treatment with dignity, compassion, and respect for all continues as well.

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2015 Bar Harbor

We unite ourselves and divide ourselves with words. We not only define but give emotional meaning to things with words, and you often can tell the importance of something by how many words there are for it in a language, a classic example being the number of Inuit words for snow.

Political correctness often comes up in the discussion of the evolving of our language and how we frame our culture. The discussion is often disingenuous, for the same philosophical group that disparages the move to change the name of the Washington professional football team name as political correctness gone overboard forced the Cincinnati professional baseball team to change its name to Redlegs for a time in the 1950s so they wouldn’t sound communist. That was also the time that the US national motto was changed from “E Pluribus Unum” (“Out of the many, one” – an inclusive unifying phrase) to “In God We Trust” in an effort to prove we were not and to divide us from “godless communists.” This was done despite the constitutional separation of church and state. In Virginia, Jefferson’s Statute for Religious Freedom had major supporters in the Baptists who did not want to pay taxes to support the official government religion of the Church of England. Those who most speak out against Sharia law ironically want to force their own brand of Christianity (and there are many brands and denominations) on others. They are doing exactly what they say they oppose, but it is okay because it is their brand. To oppose it is to be politically correct in a “bad” way. Those thoughts are further stirred up by talk radio and the disinfotainment branches of cable TV news and propaganda sources that masquerade as news.

One of the Founding Fathers of the US was a physician named Benjamin Rush. One of the things he is remembered for is declaring that addiction to alcohol is a disease. There has been an ongoing debate about whether addictions and other issues of behavior are diseases or not. The labels have changed over the years, and what is and is not a disease or a disorder has changed over time as well. Trying to decide what to call people we see as having these problems changes, too. Do you say, he is an addict? Or do you say he is a person with an addiction? Do you say he is a schizophrenic? Or do you say, he is a person with schizophrenia? Does it matter? Is it all just political correctness? Take a deep breath for a moment, and think. What do you call a person with cancer? Do you call them a cancer patient, a person with cancer? No one that I know of calls them a cancerite or some other word that implies that they are the disease. Now there are conditions like diabetes and hemophilia that do have words for a person with the condition. Do you feel a different emotional reaction to the words “alcoholic” and “schizophrenic” than you do to “diabetic” and “hemophiliac”? Would you feel differently towards someone called a cancer patient or a cardiac patient than you would schizophrenics and diabetics? Would that feeling change according to how you think they became ill? Did it just happen, or did they bring it on themselves by smoking or diet, or was it some environmental contaminant beyond their control? Does that change how you feel?

Our language shows in a very strong way how we determine and express our values. In a diverse culture, there are different values and different linguistic ways of expressing those values. One can rigidly hide behind lazy shortcuts like “political correctness” and somehow feel smugly superior when belittling something as politically correct. Or one can look more deeply at the language and try to see what values that language expresses. One thing working with families has taught me over the years is that families function better when the members treat each other with respect and compassion. Language and the values that language expresses and teaches can help a culture function more positively when it has compassion and respect as fundamental parts of its foundation. Remember the principles of taiji – softness overcomes hardness, and flexibility overcomes rigidity. In the West, another way of expressing that is that a soft answer turns away anger. The emotions of language are contagious for better or for worse.

I’ve learned over the years that sometimes the more enthusiasm someone expresses for something, the more likely they are to lose that enthusiasm when they get what it is they wanted. It reminds me of a dog chasing a car, catching it, and discovering that they really can’t drive the thing so what was all that fuss about.

I have seen it in taijiquan over the years, both with my teacher and with me. People say they have wanted for a long time to learn taijiquan and are eager to get going. But maybe they show up and if they do, maybe they last one or two lessons. I think there is good reason that a Chinese teacher may tell would-be students they have to show up to check in everyday for months before they will even consider taking on a person as a student. In counseling, people decide they want to change and discover change can be very difficult and takes energy, and they lose desire. Thermodynamics applies to behavior, too. Behaviors in motion tend to continue and those not happening tend to stay that way – unless a force acts upon them. When that force has to be you over time, procrastination and the status quo can be very attractive. I think of someone I knew long ago who constantly talked about a dream vacation. She went on and on about it but time went by, and that vacation never happened. The idea of something often is more desirable than the thing itself. The examples are almost endless.

There is something to that cliché that it’s the journey, not the destination. The journey can become monotonous. It’s like a Louis CK punch line – the guy spends so much time out in the yard by himself because he is just running out the clock. And telling your goal to others so you can liven up the journey makes you less likely to actually accomplish that goal. Derek Sivers explains why.

It makes me wonder a bit about treatment planning in therapy. Make the goals specific, measurable, and positive (“I will do something” versus “I will not do something” which activates that part of your brain associated with what you don’t want to do making you more likely to do it guaranteeing failure). There is an online program to help you accomplish a goal that has been around for a number of years at https://www.stickk.com/. They make it interesting by having you put your money on the outcome. Achieve your goal and an organization you support will get your donation. Don’t achieve it and an organization you don’t like gets your money. You have a referee ensuring the integrity of the outcome, and you can form a support network.

The transtheoretical model of change helps. Realize that change may not continue upwards in a straight line. People start and stop. They have set backs; they recover. Sometimes they take a break.  It may take many starts to finally continue something. And realize that the destination is not the end point. A good example is that sense of loss after completing a marathon or a degree or some other big goal. What next? Keep on the journey. Don’t retire in place. Keep moving. Daydreams are nice, but are not a place to live like Walter Mitty – unless perhaps you are just running out the clock. Life is ongoing change. Adapt and learn and be open to what comes next. But maybe don’t get overly enthusiastic about it. Remember the middle way and wu wei. Wu wei, similar to flow in western psychology, is that paradoxical Chinese concept of effortless effort or not trying. Don’t try so hard. You just make things more difficult for yourself. Relax and flow into it.

Chiune Sugihara, his wife Yukiko and children

Chiune Sugihara, his wife Yukiko and children

A few decades ago, I attended a wedding reception on Long Island and had a conversation with a person that has stayed with me all these years. I only had that one short talk with her and don’t remember her name, but she was very engaging and quite fascinating. She was Jewish and was born in Poland. She was a young girl when Germany invaded her country and systematically began to exterminate her people. Her life was saved by the actions of a Japanese diplomat, Chiune Sugihara, who provided exit visas to Jews in Poland and Lithuania. The woman and her father made their way across the Soviet Union via the Trans Siberian Railway to Japan to Canada and eventually to New York. I was fascinated by her story but the part that has stuck with me all these years was her wisdom of perspective. She said that we tend to focus on the present and forget to put things into perspective. She would catch herself complaining about the cold New York winters, but then she would remember crossing Siberia and the bitter cold. New York was not so cold after all. When I hear someone say, “this is the worst ever” or even “this is the best ever” I think of her. She saw both the worst and the best in people. And when I hear people judge others as different and as outsiders to be rejected, as we in the US did to the people on the SS St. Louis fleeing certain death, I think of the compassion and bravery of Chiune Sugihara and his family. Too few of us have their integrity.

All we have is the current moment, and how we view and live in that moment ripples through time in ways we can barely imagine.

When you hurt another, you may ask forgiveness from them. The Pope has asked forgiveness of those molested by priests and for the treatment of indigenous people in the New World. People convicted in court may ask forgiveness just before sentencing. Preachers and politicians ask forgiveness when caught in sin and then enter rehab to prove just how sincere they are. All of us do wrong at some time. Forgiveness is an issue that comes up often in life and in counseling. What does that word mean?

It does not mean saying that the wrong is now okay. “Sure you hurt me, but I forgive you, now it is okay.” That definition makes forgiveness extremely difficult if not impossible. It is giving a gift of dispensation to the one who harmed you. There is another view. Forgiveness can mean, “I don’t like what you did, and it is not okay but I will let it go. It doesn’t mean I want to have anything to do with you again, but I am not going to let anger and resentment devour me.” A quote attributed to the Buddha is that holding onto anger is like grasping a hot coal. The one who gets burned is you.

Many years ago I was having a conversation with a person who was working on recovery in AA and was doing step work. The eighth step is making a list of people you have harmed and you become willing to make amends to them. The ninth step is to make direct amends to those you have harmed except when to do so would injure them or others. It became quickly obvious that the person’s goal was to seek forgiveness even though in that case it would cause pain to the person wounded and to others. There was no talk about making amends. One universal principle throughout cultures and spiritual traditions (including secular ones) is to give without thought of return. When the Bodhidharma met with the Emperor Wu, one of the questions Wu asked was how much merit he had earned for all the monasteries he had built and all the other good deeds he had done in the name of the Buddha. “None,” said Bodhidharma. According to the story, the conversation was a short one. There are times when asking forgiveness is a manipulative act. We are asking forgiveness of the one we have already harmed with the sole purpose of making ourselves feel better. What is the merit of that? None. You are just doing more harm.

This is a place where the steps give good guidance. Look into your heart. It may be better to seek how you can make amends to those you hurt rather than ask forgiveness. Forgiveness belongs to the one harmed, and it is for them and within them that forgiveness occurs. If you are going to ask anything, ask how you can make amends and even then, only ask when doing so causes no further harm. Making amends with no expectations (including the expectation of forgiveness) may be a better way and work better at allowing yourself forgiveness with time.

For further thoughts on working on reconciliation and the process of forgiveness I strongly recommend “Negotiating the Nonnegotiable: How to Resolve Your Most Emotionally Charged Conflicts,” by Daniel Shapiro. Shapiro is the founder and director of the Harvard International Negotiation Program. As a psychologist and negotiation specialist, he has worked with families as well as corporate and governmental groups including conflicting parties in the Middle East. He provides a very thoughtful and guided method for the process of forgiveness and reconciliation.

Setting goals is important, and how you frame them is critical to succeding. A goal can be as broad as “I want to live a life of integrity” to as specific as “I want to run a four minute mile.” With the former you need to define just what integrity is – how will you know when you are living that life and when are you veering off course. How do you get back on course? For the latter, you need training, a workout schedule and a sense of just how realistic that goal is. Whether your motivation is internal or external also has an effect on succeeding. You are less likely to burn out if you are focused on getting better for you.

One thing both those goals have in common is that they are positive goals. Positive goals are “I am going to do something.” They are action oriented in that something will happen and you will know it. It gives you a place to move towards. All too often we define our goals in a negative fashion – “I am not going to do something.” There are many problems with that. First off, you are activating your brain to think about what you don’t want to do. Do not picture a blue jay in your mind at this moment. What picture just appeared in your mind? I spoke with someone recently whose goal was, “I don’t want to be lonely.” “Well, what do you want to be?” I asked. How will you know you are not lonely? Focusing on loneliness tends to leave one lonely. So we began to look at how she wants to connect with people, what kinds of relationships does she want, and first off, what kind of relationship does she want with herself. It is much easier to be in the company of someone who is comfortable and secure with themselves. Negative goals too often become self fulfilling prophecies. I can’t tell you how many times I have heard someone say, “I didn’t want to be like my parent.” And then they realized that in focusing on what they didn’t want to become, they took on those qualities and became what they vowed they would not be.

A negative goal is inactive. Tough to prove a negative. So when you are setting goals, make them positive, something you will know is present. Put in as much detail as you can. It is like writing a good story of what you want to do or become. You can even use a 10 scale to track your progress. A ten is you have achieved the goal.  A zero is you haven’t even begun. Where are you now? Track your progress up the scale. That gives you some flexibility, too. Stuck at five? Reevaluate and redefine and see what you need to do to move up even to a 5.1. Edit your story.  One of my favorite exercises is “start-stop-continue” from Jerry Lynch and Chungliang Al Huang. What do I need to start doing, stop doing and continue doing to function at a higher level? And remember the concept of wu wei or effortless effort. Sometimes when you push too hard, you push yourself into the ground and get stuck. Have a plan but relax into it and have fun. It is hard to stick with a goal when the process is something you hate or find punishing. That is why so many resolutions for diets and exercise programs fail. Flow and adapt, and make your goals positive.

The American Medical Association voted not long ago to classify obesity as a disease.  The intentions were good, for obesity and the associated health problems, do need attention. There are problems with this, for example if one uses only body mass index to diagnose, then an individual with heavy musculature could conceivably be diagnosed as “obese” when clearly that is not the case. Some, such as National Review, write that this is another attempt to lessen personal responsibility and allow government to enter into our lives and our bodies.

Physicians’ attempts to change what were at one time called “conditions” or “failings” or other terms into “disease” is nothing new.   You can read an excellent summary on the evolution of the term “schizophrenia” in the November 2011 Schizophrenia Bulletin.  The article quotes Berrios, “… schizophrenia research can be described as a set of research programs running in parallel, each based on different concepts of disease, mental symptom, and human mind.” For an overall critique of schizophrenia as a disease, Models of Madness is a good start. Alcohol dependency has been defined as a disease for decades. Dr. Benjamin Rush, a founding father of the United States, is credited with declaring that alcoholism is a disease. The research of E. M. Jellinek aoubt 60 years ago is credited with giving this diagnosis credence. David J. Hanson, PhD, of SUNY-Potsdam, gives a thoughtful critique of the disease model at http://www2.potsdam.edu/hansondj/Controversies/Is-Alcoholism-a-Disease.html.

Mosher et al in Models of Madness review the relationship of causal beliefs to attitudes.  While at times part of the motivation to define something as a disease is to lessen the stigma, often the reverse happens.  John Read and Nick Haslam wrote the chapter, “Public Opinion.” They cite numerous studies that find that when something is defined as a biological illness, the stigmatization increases. “A belief in categories that are discrete, immutable, and invariably rooted in a biological abnormality reflect the medical model’s essentialist view of mental disorders as ‘natural kinds’. Viewing mental disorders in this essentialist fashion is associated with prejudice along multiple pathways.  Believing in immutability may promote pessimism and avoidance. Believing in discreteness promotes the view that sufferers are categorically different, rather than sharing in our common humanity. These essentialist beliefs form a toxic ensemble.” This unintended consequence should be no surprise. It is rather common among diseases for which there actually are lab tests to diagnosis. Several members of my family, including my father, had tuberculosis. People, including family members, shied away for fear of catching the disease. Virginia mandated testing and x-rays for immediate family members (despite negative tests) from my earliest memories until about college age.  Susan Sontag wrote about cancer in Illness as Metaphor, and how there was an exception in confidentiality laws at the time for one disease due to stigma, and that was cancer. She later wrote about AIDS as well. I once visited Kalaupapa, which was a leper colony on Molokai. There were still people living there, now cured of Hansen’s disease. These folks also took you on the tour of the site. You got to hear stories about how people who were even suspected of having the illness were snatched off the street and taken here, banished from their lives, and isolated from friends, family, and home forever. Kalaupapa is a very moving place to visit. You can most likely think of other diseases with stigma, perhaps even some you fear. Based on our history as humans with a fear of disease, it is remarkable that anyone thought that defining a behavior, any behavior,  as a disease would make it less stigmatizing. In some ways, it is metaphorically throwing gasoline on a fire hoping this time a miracle will happen and the liquid will extinguish the blaze.

I think there are at least two issues at the foundation of this disease problem. And this excludes the political and economic and ego issues associated with the businesses of academia and treatment programs and medicine and pharmaceutical companies. That is a whole other thing. The first issue is thinking we know what a disease is, and that we all agree on what that means. But at the foundation of these troubles is deciding just what is a disease. That is how diagnoses got started – when we research and treat or even just talk about a condition, we need to know we are talking about the same thing. Let’s define it. Unfortunately in behavioral health, from the start egos and later egos and money were involved and muddied the good intentioned waters.  Berrios mentions the different concepts of disease above in the study of schizophrenia.  A quick web search gave me many definitions for disease, among them:

  • a disorder of structure or function in a human, animal, or plant, esp. one that produces specific signs or symptoms or that affects a specific location and is not simply a direct result of physical injury.
  • an impairment of the normal state of the living animal or plant body or one of its parts that interrupts or modifies the performance of the vital functions, is typically manifested by distinguishing signs and symptoms, and is a response to environmental factors (as malnutrition, industrial hazards, or climate), to specific infective agents (as worms, bacteria, or viruses), to inherent defects of the organism (as genetic anomalies), or to combinations of these factors
  •  A pathological condition of a part, organ, or system of an organism resulting from various causes, such as infection, genetic defect, or environmental stress, and characterized by an identifiable group of signs or symptoms.
  • A condition or tendency, as of society, regarded as abnormal and harmful.
  • Obsolete Lack of ease; trouble.

Pretty much anything out of the ordinary can be called a “disease.”  I remember folks going back 30 years who have justified the disease model in mental health and substance use by relying on the last – the obsolete – definition of dis-ease. These days, the term would be unease. So when people argue about what is a disease and whether something specific is a disease, they may be talking about very different concepts.

The second issue is, I think, with the problem of defining words and giving them great power. Steve deShazer was right, that words were originally magic.  But we use words to define words, and the definitions are circular. They have to be, and they are imperfect. The words defining an apple in the dictionary will never give you the experience of an apple.  Even experiencing one apple will not give you an idea of the taste and look and fragrance of all apples, or of the potential of apples or of the creation and life and death and return to the earth of an apple. Putting a label on an individual will not give you an experience of that individual. Being with that individual in one situation will not give you the experience of the whole ever changing person. Words have the power that we give them. We need to be careful.  I remember years ago in graduate school reading about a study in which individuals with no psychiatric problems gained admission to mental hospitals, and then just acted as themselves. Other patients caught on rather quickly that these folks were not mentally ill, but staff – not so much. The individuals took notes about their time in the hospitals, and nursing staff charted that they were exhibiting “writing behavior.”  David Rosenhan writes about the study here.

I will leave you with two quotes from Alan Watts, and also the remarkable story of Eleanor Longden in her own words.

“We seldom realize, for example, that our most private thoughts and emotions are not actually our own. For we think in terms of languages and images which we did not invent, but which were given to us by our society.”

“Trying to define yourself is like trying to bite your own teeth.”

Eleanor Longden: The voices in my head

The end of the year is near on the Gregorian calendar.  There are other calendars – Chinese, Jewish, Muslim, and others including some structured so that dates fall on the same day of the week every year. But, like the metric system, our culture for the most part ignores the way others measure time.  Theoretical physics says that time should be able to go backwards as well as forwards and is not linear. But we experience time linearly and we look for causes from the past and long for or dread the future, and often miss the moment we are in. We resolve, especially at this time of year, to change.

Often people want to know the “why” of problems they have, or of behaviors. They feel they must know the why before they can change, or to make the change permanent. I sometimes tell the story of a research psychologist I once worked for. He swore he would never do clinical work because of an experience he had in rotation during his doctoral program. The rotation included a clinical track. He had a client who was afraid of plants. He tried the standard exposure therapy but got nowhere.  Eventually she came up with a story of being frightened as a child in the presence of a plant. He had no idea if the story was true, but it worked. Too inexact for him. He went into research.

But how exact is research?  Does the why or the cause matter? There is an article in Wired well worth reading at http://www.wired.com/magazine/2011/12/ff_causation/all/1.  It is called “Trial and Error: Why Science Is Failing Us” by Jonah Lehrer.  He looks at the story of the cholesterol drug torcetrapib and how what should have easily worked failed miserably. Causes are shortcuts, are stories, that we tell ourselves to make sense of the world. We are wired to try to make sense of the world, and we do this with stories.  What we forget is that they are stories and we sometimes make them unquestionable truths.  They matter, but in the end, they are our constructs. Statistical analysis in research can help, but too often the questions are asked in ways that affect outcomes, or the wrong tests are chosen or funding affects outcomes. At best, we can predict with probability.

Jonah writes:

“David Hume referred to causality as “the cement of the universe.” He was being ironic, since he knew that this so-called cement was a hallucination, a tale we tell ourselves to make sense of events and observations. No matter how precisely we knew a given system, Hume realized, its underlying causes would always remain mysterious, shadowed by error bars and uncertainty.”

One problem with a cause is that there is always a cause for the cause – an infinite regression of “why.” Often we have difficulty with randomness and ambiguity and shades of gray. But things happen. One of the interesting things about quantum mechanics is that subatomic particles can disappear and reappear somewhere else for no apparent reason.  We may long for the certainty of predictable waves in the flow of life, but to live, we need to be able to surf. To swim against what we think should be the tide is to wear ourselves out and risk drowning. And realize that nothing is permanent.

Jonah concludes:

“… (W)e must never forget that our causal beliefs are defined by their limitations. For too long, we’ve pretended that the old problem of causality can be cured by our shiny new knowledge. If only we devote more resources to research or dissect the system at a more fundamental level or search for ever more subtle correlations, we can discover how it all works. But a cause is not a fact, and it never will be; the things we can see will always be bracketed by what we cannot. And this is why, even when we know everything about everything, we’ll still be telling stories about why it happened. It’s mystery all the way down.”

What we can do is flow with the mystery in the moment we have and the story we tell. And a new year can start any time we choose in our lives. Calendars are constructs for marking time. Lives are for living.

Paul Assaiante is the winningest coach you probably never heard of.  His squash teams at Trinity College won 224 straight and 282 out of 292 matches during a sixteen year stretch.  Squash doesn’t play well on television and is most popular in former British colonies post 1776. Consequently, he is not well known in America despite his success.  He recently wrote a book on coaching to overcome fear called Run To the Roar. His story begins with a tale of a lion pride on the African savanna.   The oldest lioness is no longer able to run fast and hunt like the younger members. What she can still do is roar.  When the pride hunts, the young lions spot a heard of prey and stealthily move in the bush to the far side of the hunted.  The old lion stays on the near side and when all is ready, lets out a ferocious roar.  The prey, reacting to the perceived threat, run from the roar and right into the teeth of the waiting pride.  Coach Assaiante helps his athletes face their fears and move towards them. Running away never gives them a chance to cope with their fears and anxieties.

Pema Chodron addresses this in The Places That Scare You: A Guide to Fearlessness in Difficult Times.  She teaches mind training in Buddhist tradition to help one cope and learn from that which we fear.  We pay attention, we do not avoid life as it is, but embrace it with loving kindness.  We listen to the stories we tell our selves, and we re-write those stories.  She calls it training in the warrior’s journey.

We are all embarking on, as Joesph Campbell wrote, a hero’s journey in this life.  Our fears and anxieties and our failures are also our teachers. Our brain’s have remarkable plasticity and ability to change over our lifetimes.  Our minds can grow and we can re-write our stories.  Listen to the phrases you say to yourself. How are those beliefs and stories affecting your life? What we tell ourselves, we become.

Sometimes it is hard to know when to quit. Einstein is credited with saying that “doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results is the definition of insanity.”  But like most sayings there is always its opposite partner. Just keep trying, you will get there – winners never quit and quitters never win. So which is it?

We remember stories like how many record companies rejected the Beatles before they finally got a contract. We hear about how The Police had something like 9 attendees at a gig during their first UStour. We think about John Kennedy Toole who tried so hard to get his novel published and finally gave up and killed himself. His mother then started trying to get his book published and finally accomplished it when Walker Percy stepped in to help. A Confederacy of Dunces went on to win the Pulitzer Prize for fiction.

I have worked with students who were miserable in college. There were a variety of reasons. Some were only in college because they felt pressured to be there. Some wanted to be in college, but had chosen one that was not a good fit for them. They were miserable but having spent a year or two or more at school, wanted to tough it out to get the degree and so they would not feel like they had wasted the years they had already spent.

Listen to your self talk. Is that time truly a waste? What did you learn, not only in class, but about yourself? How can you use that in your life? What are the costs and benefits of sticking with it versus moving to something where you might be happier and feel like you were spending your time wisely?

There are a couple of metaphors that can be helpful in making a decision. Are you in a hole and just getting deeper and feeling worse and worse? It may be time to stop digging and get out. Remember Lyndon Johnson. The recorded phone conversations between him and Sen. Long revealed how he agonized over the war. It was not winnable in a traditional sense, but he also did not want to be the first US president to “lose” a war. Pride got in the way, and people lost their lives. If you are in your own privateVietnam, is pride getting in the way of your decision? Remember that is the conflict that gave us the expression, “we destroyed the village in order to save it.”  How are you treating yourself?

If you are having trouble with decision making and coping with the situation you are in, it can be helpful to talk to someone who can listen and help you think through things – a trusted friend, a nonjudgmental family member, your spiritual advisor, a trusted teacher, or a professional. You only have this life. How do you want to spend it? A popular phrase these days is, “it is what it is.” I recently heard a good variation – “it is what it is, in this moment.” Whatever situation you are in, it will pass. The question is, how do you want it to pass and into what.

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