You are currently browsing the tag archive for the ‘behavior change’ tag.

Santa Fe 2009 298Many of the people I work with in both taijiquan and counseling have chronic pain. According to the National Health Interview Survey done by the CDC , about 25 million Americans suffer daily pain and about 54 million Americans have chronic pain. In working with pain, I use a combination of movement and mindfulness. Taijiquan and qigong can work wonders for pain relief. Each is a gentle way to get moving again and a way to attain balance in all parts of life.

There are several books I suggest to folks. First are the works of Toni Bernhard. You can read more about her at http://tonibernhard.com/. She addresses pain management from a Buddhist perspective. She has written several books on the topic and about her own coping with chronic pain. Another book is “The Pain Antidote: The Proven Program to Help You Stop Suffering from Chronic Pain, Avoid Addiction to Painkillers and Reclaim Your Life”, by Mel Pohl, MD and Katherine Ketcham. You can find out more about it at http://www.thepainantidotebook.com/index.html. Pohl helps people get off opiates and develop alternate and more effective ways of coping with pain.

Taiji and qigong work with pain by changing your relationship with gravity, changing the way you breathe, and calming your mind and body. A principle of taiji is that you only expend the energy and engage the muscles for whatever it is you are doing at that moment. Everything else is relaxed but ready. Your joints are never locked. Your spine is upright and your head rests in balance on your shoulders. If you had a plumb bob attached to the center of the top of your head and it ran down the center of your body, that plumb bob would always touch the floor somewhere between your feet as you move. Standing at rest, it would be equidistant between your ankles. Your shoulders are relaxed – neither tucked forward nor pulled back. When you change your relationship with gravity and are balanced, there is less pain because you are not tilted forward or back putting a lot of work on your neck, shoulders, and back. You also carry your body differently according to mood. Being in balance and harmony with gravity can also balance your mood.

Breathing to your diaphragm also reduces stress which can reduce pain. There is an emotional component to pain. Calming the emotions can help reduce the pain. Abdominal breathing slows the heartbeat, reduces blood pressure and blood sugar, lowers stress hormones in the blood, changes the blood flow in the body, improves digestion, and even changes your vision. You are going from fight-flee-freeze-faint mode to rest and digest mode. This is a guide to finding balance in a standing meditation.

.

You can read more about the principles of taijiquan and qigong here.

You can also change your relationship with pain by changing the emotional relationship with it. Rather than fighting it, have a conversation with it. What is it trying to tell you? How does it feel? Is it hot, cold, throbbing, a dull ache? Notice it, be with it. Change your self talk with pain to change that relationship, too. Pain is not a bad thing, it is there to tell us something is wrong. Sometimes the harder we try to make it go away, the harder it works to be heard. Changing self talk can help with that as well. You change your relationship with pain.

 

Another option is humor. In 1979, Norman Cousins wrote a book called, “Anatomy of an Illness As Perceived by the Patient – Reflections on Healing and Regeneration.” I came across it back when it was published in 1979. My dad was in an intensive care unit for most of two years during that time. Cousins found that a component of his healing was humor and included things like watching Candid Camera and Marx Brothers movies. Laughter changes the hormones in your body and can bring on pain relief. Even just a smile can begin to bring calm and start to lessen pain. When people have found that support groups sometimes unhelpfully come down to contests of who hurts the most, humor can erupt to help with coping, especially in the form of Monty Python. Just the thought of the Yorkshire men can bring on a smile.

 

 

 

Advertisements

When you hurt another, you may ask forgiveness from them. The Pope has asked forgiveness of those molested by priests and for the treatment of indigenous people in the New World. People convicted in court may ask forgiveness just before sentencing. Preachers and politicians ask forgiveness when caught in sin and then enter rehab to prove just how sincere they are. All of us do wrong at some time. Forgiveness is an issue that comes up often in life and in counseling. What does that word mean?

It does not mean saying that the wrong is now okay. “Sure you hurt me, but I forgive you, now it is okay.” That definition makes forgiveness extremely difficult if not impossible. It is giving a gift of dispensation to the one who harmed you. There is another view. Forgiveness can mean, “I don’t like what you did, and it is not okay but I will let it go. It doesn’t mean I want to have anything to do with you again, but I am not going to let anger and resentment devour me.” A quote attributed to the Buddha is that holding onto anger is like grasping a hot coal. The one who gets burned is you.

Many years ago I was having a conversation with a person who was working on recovery in AA and was doing step work. The eighth step is making a list of people you have harmed and you become willing to make amends to them. The ninth step is to make direct amends to those you have harmed except when to do so would injure them or others. It became quickly obvious that the person’s goal was to seek forgiveness even though in that case it would cause pain to the person wounded and to others. There was no talk about making amends. One universal principle throughout cultures and spiritual traditions (including secular ones) is to give without thought of return. When the Bodhidharma met with the Emperor Wu, one of the questions Wu asked was how much merit he had earned for all the monasteries he had built and all the other good deeds he had done in the name of the Buddha. “None,” said Bodhidharma. According to the story, the conversation was a short one. There are times when asking forgiveness is a manipulative act. We are asking forgiveness of the one we have already harmed with the sole purpose of making ourselves feel better. What is the merit of that? None. You are just doing more harm.

This is a place where the steps give good guidance. Look into your heart. It may be better to seek how you can make amends to those you hurt rather than ask forgiveness. Forgiveness belongs to the one harmed, and it is for them and within them that forgiveness occurs. If you are going to ask anything, ask how you can make amends and even then, only ask when doing so causes no further harm. Making amends with no expectations (including the expectation of forgiveness) may be a better way and work better at allowing yourself forgiveness with time.

For further thoughts on working on reconciliation and the process of forgiveness I strongly recommend “Negotiating the Nonnegotiable: How to Resolve Your Most Emotionally Charged Conflicts,” by Daniel Shapiro. Shapiro is the founder and director of the Harvard International Negotiation Program. As a psychologist and negotiation specialist, he has worked with families as well as corporate and governmental groups including conflicting parties in the Middle East. He provides a very thoughtful and guided method for the process of forgiveness and reconciliation.

There is a Zen story of a master who stands with his eyes closed and yet catches a falling object while those wide eyed around him have not yet perceived the object’s fall. He is in the moment and completely attentive.

Ruth M. Buczynski, PhD, president of the National Institute for the Clinical
Application of Behavioral Medicine
, recently talked about how to rewire your brain to improve willpower. A March 23, 2015 article in Medscape discussed a study in Sydney, Australia that looked at nine modifiable triggers for low back pain. The leading trigger is distraction while performing a task or activity.

What do willpower and distraction have in common? Both are associated with losing focus. How can we practice focus and get better at it? Buczynski suggests a simple breathing exercise for five minutes a day. Simple does not mean easy, however. Many people give up mindfulness or meditation because of a racing mind. Buczynski recommends just focusing on your breath, and when thoughts come into your mind (as they inevitably will) just acknowledge them and return to breathing. You can focus on the sound of the air as it flows in and out or the temperature of the air or whatever works for you. The important thing is, return to focusing on the breath. It gives you practice for staying on task, and returning to the task when you wander.

Any time I work with someone who has issues with anxiety and stress, we start with the breath. Slowing your breathing and breathing abdominally does many good things for you – lowers blood pressure and heart rate, lowers stress hormones and in doing so lowers blood sugar and redirects blood flow to the organs. You are balancing your sympathetic and parasympathetic nervous systems.

So if you want to feel better and more balanced mentally, emotionally, and physically, start just focusing on breathing to your abdomen slowly and mindfully. You will improve your willpower and your focus. Paying attention to where you are now can also save your back.

Setting goals is important, and how you frame them is critical to succeding. A goal can be as broad as “I want to live a life of integrity” to as specific as “I want to run a four minute mile.” With the former you need to define just what integrity is – how will you know when you are living that life and when are you veering off course. How do you get back on course? For the latter, you need training, a workout schedule and a sense of just how realistic that goal is. Whether your motivation is internal or external also has an effect on succeeding. You are less likely to burn out if you are focused on getting better for you.

One thing both those goals have in common is that they are positive goals. Positive goals are “I am going to do something.” They are action oriented in that something will happen and you will know it. It gives you a place to move towards. All too often we define our goals in a negative fashion – “I am not going to do something.” There are many problems with that. First off, you are activating your brain to think about what you don’t want to do. Do not picture a blue jay in your mind at this moment. What picture just appeared in your mind? I spoke with someone recently whose goal was, “I don’t want to be lonely.” “Well, what do you want to be?” I asked. How will you know you are not lonely? Focusing on loneliness tends to leave one lonely. So we began to look at how she wants to connect with people, what kinds of relationships does she want, and first off, what kind of relationship does she want with herself. It is much easier to be in the company of someone who is comfortable and secure with themselves. Negative goals too often become self fulfilling prophecies. I can’t tell you how many times I have heard someone say, “I didn’t want to be like my parent.” And then they realized that in focusing on what they didn’t want to become, they took on those qualities and became what they vowed they would not be.

A negative goal is inactive. Tough to prove a negative. So when you are setting goals, make them positive, something you will know is present. Put in as much detail as you can. It is like writing a good story of what you want to do or become. You can even use a 10 scale to track your progress. A ten is you have achieved the goal.  A zero is you haven’t even begun. Where are you now? Track your progress up the scale. That gives you some flexibility, too. Stuck at five? Reevaluate and redefine and see what you need to do to move up even to a 5.1. Edit your story.  One of my favorite exercises is “start-stop-continue” from Jerry Lynch and Chungliang Al Huang. What do I need to start doing, stop doing and continue doing to function at a higher level? And remember the concept of wu wei or effortless effort. Sometimes when you push too hard, you push yourself into the ground and get stuck. Have a plan but relax into it and have fun. It is hard to stick with a goal when the process is something you hate or find punishing. That is why so many resolutions for diets and exercise programs fail. Flow and adapt, and make your goals positive.

Transforming Negative Self-Talk, by Steve Andreas is a very well written book that can help anyone change their self talk for the better.  He uses techniques from Neuro-Lingustic Programming and the works of Satir and Milton Erickson.

Andreas says that we all hear voices to some degree. It is the self talk that begins as we learn to speak and think and conceptualize the world.  We internalize the voices of those who teach us, and without our inner voices we would never learn to communicate with words. 

Too often our inner voices can become harsh critics that may berate us.  Andreas gives us ways to change that language, often in relatively quick ways.  He first focuses on the location of the voice.  Do you hear it from the front, the back, the left, the right, inside or outside your head? You can change the location. For example, a voice farther away has less impact and may be softer. Andreas is careful with each proposed change to see if there might be problems with making the change. Those words we say to ourselves may have some protective value to us and we need to evaluate the possible consequences and address those before attempting the change.  One example he gives is of a person who would like to be able to speak in front of groups, but then worries that if he gets good at it, his employer would want him to make sales trips and presentations and take time from family.  In that case, the goal was altered to be able to speak with smaller groups of people.

 The words themselves are important such as whether one says “I am” or “You are.” However, Andreas recognizes that it is more than just the words that communicate, and a change in these other factors plays a big role in changing behavior. These factors include the tone and volume of the voice, who the speaker is, and the tempo. Just slowing down the words can change the message.  So can changing the tone.  Change your self talk from a command to a question or even give it the sound of amazement. He also uses music or songs to change the meaning, much like movies use music to set the tone and mood of scenes. Voices may also be added, like a chorus that dampens the effect of the original voice.

Throughout the book, Andreas uses stories of his own and other therapists to teach. My favorite was about a five year old named Tommy who banged his head whenever he made any mistake. The therapist told Tommy a story about Timmy the squirrel who would sometimes slip and fall while climbing trees or forget where he hid nuts and would feel dumb. When he felt dumb, he would bang his head against trees and call himself names. Timmy’s family took him to see the Wise Old Owl. The Owl talked with Timmy and asked him if he had a belly button, and then asked to see it.  Tommy, the child, was enthralled and at that moment, raised his shirt and looked at his own belly button. The Owl told Timmy the squirrel to take a good look at his belly button and to remember that every one with a belly button makes mistakes, and if you make a mistake, just look at your belly button and say it is okay.  The parents reported later that Tommy stopped banging his head after that session.

 Andreas recognizes that a problem with trying to forcefully change self talk or to stop it is that this effort can actually strengthen the negative self talk as it fights back to stay in your mind. He also emphasizes the need for positive statements – what you want to accomplish – versus negative goals. Negative goals activate that which you are trying to change. An example is a phrase that might be used by dieters who say, “I can’t eat chocolate cake” which immediately puts the idea of chocolate cake in their minds and most likely also into their stomachs pretty soon.

This is a book that focuses on solutions, and does so very systematically and carefully.  When you are asked how a day would be if it were as if whatever problem you had were solved, you are asked for detail and also to look at what the consequences of the change might be. Throughout you are given the chance to work on each of the exercises yourself, and there is a section on finding what your own “core question” in life is.  Your “core question” is the question that guides you in your experience and behavior. The book ends with a chapter on transforming self talk using a very creative technique developed by Melanie Davis.  She uses word play to change the negative self talk, and the steps to do this are clearly spelled out, such as changing a word or punctuation or tonality often in a playful way.  “I am no good” was transformed into the affirmation, “I am.”  The latter part was changed to “Know good.” The therapist and client had fun playing with the words and the whole feel of the self talk was changed both in words and emotion.

 Changing your self talk changes your life. Mind (self talk) leads to energizing which leads to action. Depending on your self talk, that action can be positive or negative, healthy or unhealthy.  This book helps you change for the better and strengthen the positive and healthy.

Share This Blog

Facebook Twitter More...

Enter your email address to follow this blog and receive notifications of new posts by email.

Site Archive

RSS Psychology News Feeds

Advertisements