You are currently browsing the tag archive for the ‘friendship’ tag.

2013 Burlington Vermont 015

 I think my life began with waking up and loving my mother’s face. George Eliot

We are social beings. We have survived as a species because of our ability to live and work together. The idea of rugged individualism is a relatively recent myth strongly believed in the West, particularly the US. I remember a study from years ago in which people were asked to draw a circle representing the self, and another representing other. Americans drew circles much larger for the self than for other. People in Asia and Africa tended to make the circles the same size or maybe even make the circle for other larger.

We are born helpless and dependent. We rely on others to help us develop as humans, and we rely on others our entire lives. Attachment teaches us how to get along in life. John Bowlby wrote about attachment after noticing how infants in orphanages after World War II in Europe failed to thrive and, in some cases, died, despite having the basic physical needs met.

How hard wired are we for attachment? Take a look at this video.

According to the polyvagal theory, we help regulate each other’s emotions throughout our lives by how our ventral vagal nerve “reads” and responds to facial expressions. In “The Emotional Foundations of Personality: A Neurobiological and Evolutionary Approach” by Kenneth L. Davis and Jaak Panksepp, the emotion of panic/sadness is linked to separation from our caregiver in our developmental years.

Martin Seligman wrote in “Learned Optimism” that he could predict the winner of a presidential election by the optimism of the acceptance speech. In “The Attachment Effect,” Peter Lovenheim looked at politics in the US and looked at politicians and even speeches from another angle – from the view of attachment.

There are four kinds of attachment – secure, anxious, avoidant, and disorganized. He writes that those with secure attachment “tend to be more giving and tolerant toward others, and they show more resilience in the face of challenges such as personal illness and the death of a loved one.” They are comfortable with intimacy and depending on others. Insecure attachments – avoidance and anxious – are more problematic. They do have strengths. A person with anxious attachment may be more successful getting a parent’s attention as a child (though the attention may not be positive) and the avoidant person becomes more independent and is less likely to feel the hurt, at least consciously. Anxious people may perceive danger more quickly, and avoidant people may see ways to escape more quickly. Anxiously attached people tend to be uneasy and vigilant about threats to relationships and are worried. Avoidant people tend to be very self-reliant and disinterested in intimacy. Disorganized attachment is coming to fear and be drawn to your care giver at the same time. They tend to be fearful of rejection, suspicious and shy.

Lovenheim found a correlation between secure attachment and centrist beliefs – more moderate, more flexible, more realistic, and more self-confidence, empathy and trust. Both anxious and avoidant people are more likely to be drawn to extremes. Avoidant may be drawn to the far right and anxious to the far left, but not necessarily. What does happen is that both are drawn to a dogmatism that gives them a sense of safety and security. “Anxiously attached voters, in particular, may project their unmet attachment needs onto leaders (and) may so crave attaching to a strong, care-giving leader that they nay be unable to distinguish between a transformative leader –one who protects encourages and empowers them – and a leader without such qualities.” The relationship of style to political leanings may be much more complicated. He also did an attachment style interview with Michael Dukakis and found the former presidential candidate and governor as avoidant. You may remember his detached analytical nonemotional answer during a presidential debate that was widely seen as costing him votes.

In speculating about recent presidents, Lovenheim found both anxious (like Clinton) but mostly avoidant including both 2016 candidates. Often anxious attached people wind up with avoidant people in relationships (and it generally doesn’t go well), and I wondered about voters and candidates. I didn’t find any data, but I am also curious because several presidential nominees (and at least two of those elected) have a history of being bullies. Is there an attachment style associated with bullies? At least among adolescents, avoidant attachment style was likely to be the style of bullies. But the relationship may be a bit more complicated. As usual, more research is needed. It also got me to wondering about cultural attachment styles. If a country tends to elect leaders with avoidant attachment styles, how does that affect the country’s relationships with the rest of the world? Also complicating that are cultures sense of the self in relation to others. The nonsecure styles would tend to lead a culture and a country to more extreme and have more rigid positions based on fear and the need to be right so that all are safe and secure, at least in our tribe. It also got me to wondering about attachment and religious belief. A concept of a power greater than yourself can give you a sense of safety. Lovenheim found that attachment styles in religion tend to reflect those we have in every day life. A secure attachment leads one to a feeling of God as loving protector, “available, reliable and responsive.” Those with anxious styles who see relationships as unreliable and unpredictable may be “deeply emotional, all consuming, and clingy.” The research he cites sees avoidant as tending towards agnostic or atheistic, but there are philosophies such as Buddhism and Daoism that have no deity or deities, and then there is rational empiricism all of which can be had by one with a secure attachment style. What I wondered about is more the disorganized style. If God is both loving and vengeful and to be feared, how would one get beyond that paradox and have a secure attachment? Again, with all the variables in daily life, it is complicated, and more research is needed.

I didn’t find any research on attachment style and likelihood of voting. I do wonder how outcomes of elections would change if a greater percentage of people voted. The best estimate I could find for the US population as a whole is that about 65% are secure attachment style, 20% avoidant, 10-15% anxious and 10-15% disorganized. About 75% of people live their whole lives in one style with no change. As Lovenheim writes, “If we’re going to raise emotionally healthy people, a consistent attachment figure must be present at least for the first eighteen months to two years of life. This is not a gender-specific role; it could be mother, father, grandparent, nanny, among other possibilities. But someone has to do it.”

Attachment is not static across a lifetime, and one can earn secure attachment. And, your attachment style may even affect your relationship with your dog.

Other books of interest in this area are “The Neuroscience of Human Relationships”, by Louis Cozolino; “The Feeling Brain” by Elizabeth Johnston and Leah Olson; and “The Pocket Guide to The Polyvagal Theory”, by Stephen Porges.

If you are curious about your own attachment style, there is an online test at http://web-research-design.net/cgi-bin/crq/crq.pl.

Advertisements

I was recently asked the questions below about male friendships, particularly older male friendships.  I am always hesitant to put people into categories, though I know that is how we are wired. We classify things to simplify our lives. But things don’t fit into neat boxes. There are generally more differences within groups than between groups. When you classify, you get a good idea of the outliers but you miss the rich textures of the variability within groups. There was one thing I forgot to mention when I responded. (A thunderstorm came up so I hit send on the email and shut down quickly, and the person asking the questions was on a deadline, so I had to get them in yesterday.) As we get older, we use both frontal lobes when making decisions rather than one, and we tend to get better at picking our battles. Deciding what is worth arguing about can go a long way in saving any friendship.

 1.  Life, work and family can demand a lot of a man’s time. How important is it for men to maintain a social network?

We are social beings. Friends give us support and comfort when we are hurting, celebrate with us when things go well, and teach us how to get along in the world. They give us someone to talk to and to listen to and accept us for who we are, and can help us get better – and we give the same in return. There are many studies on the benefits of friendships for mental, physical, emotional, and spiritual health. There are studies that show the increased health problems of all types for those who are isolated and lonely – depression and suicide, cardiovascular disease and stroke, increased stress levels, decreased memory and learning, antisocial behavior, memory loss, etc.

2.  Are there any distinct benefits for men regarding maintaining healthy friendships that should serve as an inspiration or reason for men to put more effort into their friendships?

Typically those with healthy friendships cope better with stress. They have lower levels of heart problems and immune system problems. I got an article in a newsletter today about how social supports mitigate some of the effects of ageism. Women may cope better than men, despite feeling more of the effects of ageism, because they have stronger social supports.  His is a synopsis of the article:

A new report examining attitudes towards ageing in Canada has been published. Revera Inc. and the International Federation on Ageing set out to examine the gender differences in ageing and experiences of ageism in the report titled “Revera Report on Ageism: A Look at Gender Differences.” Researchers surveyed male and females aged 66 and older. According to the findings, Canadian women are more optimistic about the ageing process compared to their male counterparts. Six in 10 women aged 60 years and older reported feeling optimistic about getting older whereas 5 in 10 men reporting feeling positive about the process. Compared to males, females were also more likely to agree with the statement “age is just a number” (47 percent for females, 33 percent for males). The report also examined Canadian older adult experiences of ageism. Interestingly, results revealed that women reported feeling they were treated differently because of their age. Women reported more often feeling ignored or invisible compared to men (46 percent for females, 32 percent for males) and that others have assumed they were incompetent (32 percent for females, 18 percent for males). Researchers suggested that the recorded findings might be connected to differences in social supports. The stronger social connections forged by females may help buffer against the damaging effect of exposure to ageism.

 AUTHOR: Misty Harris

SOURCE: Canada.com, July 3rd 2013

http://www.canada.com/life/Women+embrace+aging+despite+experiencing+ageism+more+deeply+than/8611996/story.html

3. Why do you think men often have trouble bonding with other men or creating close friendships/relationships?

There are a lot of reasons why any person can have difficulty creating friendships.  We learn from those who raise us, usually family, and from the culture we grow up in.  If the culture and/or family says that men are strong, don’t show emotion, are totally independent, must be competitive and win at all costs and trust no one – that doesn’t make for great relationships.  In addition to culture and familial gender roles, the number of variables that affect relationships is almost endless – the attachment style you learn as an infant, whether you trust that people will be there for you, your sense of self including self efficacy, how you define a friendship and what you look for, personal characteristics (like attractiveness, wealth, social status, substance use, communication styles, personality traits, etc.) whether you are more introverted or more extroverted.  I don’t mean shy by that. An introverted person can make friends, they just need more time alone to recharge their energy, while the extrovert may feel very uncomfortable alone for periods of time and get energy from the crowd.  Birth order can have an effect on whom you bond with, as well as your parents’ birth order. There is also the comfort level of friendships with persons of your own gender or with persons of the opposite sex and whatever complications that might arise from either.  There is also the effect of wanting things to stay the same. Friends will support positive change, and realize that at times friendships end or at least change. The need to win, to be one up in the hierarchy, can be very damaging. You may know people who lost friendships when they disagreed with a friend over a political issue (for example the Affordable Health Care Act has had some heated debate) or who lost a friend over religious differences. I think one reason men (or women for that matter) may have trouble bonding with their own gender is getting past the pecking order contest that sometimes ensues.  That can especially happen with the stereotypical male friends of not being able to just be together but to have to be doing something together. That can be great when they help each other get better at whatever it is, but when one decides he has to be the best and win, that leaves the other losing. That is not an act of friendship.  One thing I have noticed in working with fathers is that they sometimes worry about being respected. I remember one dad in particular telling me about the relationship with his son and his worry about not being respected. I asked about the relationship and found that they did things together like fishing and playing ball, they talked to each other pretty easily – the dad was teaching the kid discipline in a nice and gentle way. Turns out dad was worried because his dad taught him by beating him and he thought that was necessary for respect. Somewhere in all that for him fear and respect became synonymous when they are not. We all have unfinished stories, and until we get some kind of completion, we keep repeating them. I think one of the reasons men may have trouble with male relationships is that the first relationship they had with a man was a poor one. For some folks high school never ends and they continually repeat the types of relationships they had as adolescents both in friendships and the work place. Unresolved sexuality issues can have an effect. I sometimes work with gay people and transgender people and lack of acceptance and trust issues they face again affects relationships with others.  There are also issues of proximity. People move a fair amount these days. There are lots of ways to communicate online and by phone, and you can reconnect with people you haven’t seen in a long time. But there may not be the emotional intimacy and honesty that you have in a face to face relationship.

4. How would you encourage a man to branch out and meet new friends, OR how would you encourage a man to improve or build on existing friendships?

Each of us has our own story. I just try to work with the person in front of me and see what can help them to get to where they want to be.  The first friendship I encourage him to look at is the friendship with him self. How do you treat yourself as a friend?  How do you respect yourself as a friend?  What qualities do you look for in a healthy friendship? Do you have these qualities in your self?  In your friendships with others, is the relationship with the other person voluntary, mutual, equal and reciprocal, is there trust so that one can be vulnerable with emotions and still be accepted? Can a person leave the friendship if/when the time arises? Is there mutual respect and what does that mean to you? I would help the person decide which of those two choices in the question he wants to do.  He may even want to try to do both of those to some degree. We would look for whatever works for him, and be flexible and adaptable. And I would encourage him to work on his friendship with himself, for that is the only life long relationship he will have.

We might also look at how do disagree in a respectful way in a conversation. One factor in maintaining memory and cognitive function is to challenge your beliefs – to think critically. It is possible to have good healthy relationships with those who believe differently. That is one way to grow in this life. Part of that is looking at self talk as well. I think to have a good relationship with others, you need to have a good one with your self. And realize that it is always a work in progress.

Share This Blog

Facebook Twitter More...

Enter your email address to follow this blog and receive notifications of new posts by email.

Site Archive

RSS Stan Rockwell, PsyD – Psych Central

  • An error has occurred; the feed is probably down. Try again later.

RSS Psychology News Feeds

Advertisements